Note to Coach: it's about to get TL;DR in here. So it's totally okay for you to skip out on this one.
When I woke up this morning, I could not understand why my eyes were so sore and disgustingly swollen. Oh, that's right, because I was a bawling baby throughout last night. The last time I was weeping hard enough to not form coherent sentences or breathe in anything other than sips of air was when I found out that I had gotten a job and wasn't sure if I could handle anything in my life. (Note: A million thanks to Roomie, who is always so kind and gentle and realistic. All at the same time. You are too perfect to me, and I don't know that I could ever thank you enough. I don't understand why you bother with me at all. Also, thanks to Bearrington and Winston who spent the night crushed to this pathetic ball of anxiety and tears.) Apparently, it is that time again where I trip and unsuspectingly fall into my pit o' realizations. Of illnesses (actually just a list of 'nesses, but illnesses seemed a better fit, as it is a real word). My fearfulness, greediness, uselessness, worthlessness, laziness. My ghosts have returned, simultaneously and at full force. Why am I not even attempting to be the girl that parents worked so hard to raise? I have just become an incompetent piece of shit that only knows to be concerned with itself at the center of its minute universe. I don't want them to see how far I have fallen from the days when I held my head up high and acted with morals and dignity that I, so proudly, believed in. Now, I'm just lost and dizzy and leaning against any semblance of support I can find.
A while back, I really felt like I was suffering everyday trying to meet my expectations in schoolwork, work, lab, and relationships. But as I was struggling, I did not think that my friends really understood what kind of expectations I had of our friendships (that I also expected them to have). Once again, greedy!me to the rescue. Lovely Miss Stephanie bought me dinner on one of my freer nights and helped to take in a refreshingly deep breath. She reminded to be worried for myself and answered some of my quieter questions about having doubts in the ones you care for. Her response may have been the most enlightening I have heard in a while. People can fail you in your relationships with them. That is why some seek out a permanent relationship with God. For the first time ever, I may have really understand why people needed religion in a way that applied to me. Before, I could only theoretically understand why people would need someone who was a source of constant and eternal reassurance, forgiveness, and love, but I never saw a need for it if I have my family. But now I can understand, with my family far enough away so I cannot run back to them to hide from the first sign of a threat. Trying to take my new group of friends, however close we are, and using them to replace what I had for a family is the wrong thing to do. It was wrong of me to have such high expectations of what we should feel for each other, when they had no obligation to even like me. I should have felt happy, perhaps blessed, that they have spent so much time with me so far, but all I felt was an unsatisfied greed for more of their attention and affection. Why don't they want to spend as much time with me as I do with them? It's because they are my friends. They don't have to love or support me unconditionally, I have to earn their love (if they are even willing to tiptoe past the boundaries of somewhat accepting me). My mistake really started with when I expected them to want the same things I did. I mean, I basically had just met them (even the people I have known since elementary school. I only really knew of them) and I was throwing all kinds of hopes and assumptions at them. For future reference for future!me, don't do that. Read the letters that I wrote to you. Be confident even when you have yourself absolutely convinced that you are a waste of everyone's space, time, and concern. If you cannot even believe in yourself, then it does not matter how many people will try to comfort you, because you cannot believe in anything.
Now, the game plan is... I have no clue. Keep it together as you smash through this week? I guess the best plan is to just carry spare tissues and excuses to the restroom at all times. Call Mother. Apologize to Stone. Do everything that you are supposed to do. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN, don't let people ask you if you're okay. That is the weak spot, and you know it. Stop seeking out pity, useless bag of emotions.
When I woke up this morning, I could not understand why my eyes were so sore and disgustingly swollen. Oh, that's right, because I was a bawling baby throughout last night. The last time I was weeping hard enough to not form coherent sentences or breathe in anything other than sips of air was when I found out that I had gotten a job and wasn't sure if I could handle anything in my life. (Note: A million thanks to Roomie, who is always so kind and gentle and realistic. All at the same time. You are too perfect to me, and I don't know that I could ever thank you enough. I don't understand why you bother with me at all. Also, thanks to Bearrington and Winston who spent the night crushed to this pathetic ball of anxiety and tears.) Apparently, it is that time again where I trip and unsuspectingly fall into my pit o' realizations. Of illnesses (actually just a list of 'nesses, but illnesses seemed a better fit, as it is a real word). My fearfulness, greediness, uselessness, worthlessness, laziness. My ghosts have returned, simultaneously and at full force. Why am I not even attempting to be the girl that parents worked so hard to raise? I have just become an incompetent piece of shit that only knows to be concerned with itself at the center of its minute universe. I don't want them to see how far I have fallen from the days when I held my head up high and acted with morals and dignity that I, so proudly, believed in. Now, I'm just lost and dizzy and leaning against any semblance of support I can find.
A while back, I really felt like I was suffering everyday trying to meet my expectations in schoolwork, work, lab, and relationships. But as I was struggling, I did not think that my friends really understood what kind of expectations I had of our friendships (that I also expected them to have). Once again, greedy!me to the rescue. Lovely Miss Stephanie bought me dinner on one of my freer nights and helped to take in a refreshingly deep breath. She reminded to be worried for myself and answered some of my quieter questions about having doubts in the ones you care for. Her response may have been the most enlightening I have heard in a while. People can fail you in your relationships with them. That is why some seek out a permanent relationship with God. For the first time ever, I may have really understand why people needed religion in a way that applied to me. Before, I could only theoretically understand why people would need someone who was a source of constant and eternal reassurance, forgiveness, and love, but I never saw a need for it if I have my family. But now I can understand, with my family far enough away so I cannot run back to them to hide from the first sign of a threat. Trying to take my new group of friends, however close we are, and using them to replace what I had for a family is the wrong thing to do. It was wrong of me to have such high expectations of what we should feel for each other, when they had no obligation to even like me. I should have felt happy, perhaps blessed, that they have spent so much time with me so far, but all I felt was an unsatisfied greed for more of their attention and affection. Why don't they want to spend as much time with me as I do with them? It's because they are my friends. They don't have to love or support me unconditionally, I have to earn their love (if they are even willing to tiptoe past the boundaries of somewhat accepting me). My mistake really started with when I expected them to want the same things I did. I mean, I basically had just met them (even the people I have known since elementary school. I only really knew of them) and I was throwing all kinds of hopes and assumptions at them. For future reference for future!me, don't do that. Read the letters that I wrote to you. Be confident even when you have yourself absolutely convinced that you are a waste of everyone's space, time, and concern. If you cannot even believe in yourself, then it does not matter how many people will try to comfort you, because you cannot believe in anything.
Now, the game plan is... I have no clue. Keep it together as you smash through this week? I guess the best plan is to just carry spare tissues and excuses to the restroom at all times. Call Mother. Apologize to Stone. Do everything that you are supposed to do. AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, WOMAN, don't let people ask you if you're okay. That is the weak spot, and you know it. Stop seeking out pity, useless bag of emotions.
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