Damn, re-reading old posts make me re-realize how important it is to keep up with self-reflections especially considering that I forgot all about the feelings I felt (even just one year ago).
A lot has changed in this amount of time.
I moved from the state capitol to a tiny East Texas "city".
My life now no longer includes Bonbon (who passed away Christmas Eve of 2015). Graduating college and starting graduate school so far removed from friends and family has changed my life, but losing Bonbon has left what feels like a permanent mark on me. The anger and falling out with my father over her death has only added to the tension and resentment to our relationship. Grief and mourning the lost of a loved one (not to even mention pet) is something I have never experienced before. When I first let others know about my pain, I did not want any conversation to continue because I could not bear to even contemplate any sadness. Even now, I don't think that I can honestly communicate my feelings (even to myself). I want to adopt a dog, but not knowing if I am at peace with Bonbon's death or where my life will take me in the next few years takes this option off the table. I am considering adoption of a cat, but I have no knowledge on taking care of cats (besides listicles on the internet). I don't know if taking care of a cat would be responsible of me.
To be frank, I don't know much about me right now. (hence Meyer Briggs.)
Youngest brother asked me what I do in my spare time, of which I do not have much to spare (joke). Upon consideration, I realize that I occupy myself with asian variety television, anime, manga, and fanfiction. To this he replied, "so nothing has changed since you were 13"
...
This is the truth - mostly due to my fears of regret, the unknown, and rejection. Within the cornucopia that houses all of my fears and insecurities. Also, I don't have many friends to see or places to go to here in East Texas. I'm scared about my future (which I should be planning for now). Everything is leading me back to where I was one year ago - paralyzed about my actions that determine my future. Except now, everybody in my school knows who I am and what my "expectations" are of myself.
"Expectations" here mean the stuff that I tell people in public so that they no longer ask me more about "what I want to accomplish in the future".
Please I am barely an adult capable of independent thought. I don't have the answers to your questions; I don't even have answers to my own questions.
Anyways, before I shit myself with panic (which I almost did irl two nights ago. Graphic details withheld for the more sensitive. and sensible), let's get into the Meyer Briggs results.
In the past, I was a Molly Weasley-type (E/ISFJ). The past being 2-3 years ago. Now this has (barely) transitioned to INFJ. My emotional sensitivity and desire for OMNIPRESENT HONESTY have not changed. But, my empathy (which I feel used to be strong that it crippled me) has now been led in the direction of OMNIPRESENT IDEALISM. Which I believe to be the result of (a) getting more and more into research and (b) years of appreciating socialism. Actual socialism. You know, like equality.
The two descriptions that (still) ring the most true for me are that I desire 100% realness from my friends and that I am highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict. (If I could gather all of the embarrassing and humiliating tears I have shed at places of work and study, Dubai could have an infinite source of saltwater to purify forever.)
The newer description is that I am a very private person (very true as of late).
For my own future reference,
https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality
https://www.16personalities.com/profiles/572e9dd33c25d
Also in major news that impact my life: Jasmine and Yoda. But I'm not going into that cuz my stress-sensitive gut is going to explode.
A lot has changed in this amount of time.
I moved from the state capitol to a tiny East Texas "city".
My life now no longer includes Bonbon (who passed away Christmas Eve of 2015). Graduating college and starting graduate school so far removed from friends and family has changed my life, but losing Bonbon has left what feels like a permanent mark on me. The anger and falling out with my father over her death has only added to the tension and resentment to our relationship. Grief and mourning the lost of a loved one (not to even mention pet) is something I have never experienced before. When I first let others know about my pain, I did not want any conversation to continue because I could not bear to even contemplate any sadness. Even now, I don't think that I can honestly communicate my feelings (even to myself). I want to adopt a dog, but not knowing if I am at peace with Bonbon's death or where my life will take me in the next few years takes this option off the table. I am considering adoption of a cat, but I have no knowledge on taking care of cats (besides listicles on the internet). I don't know if taking care of a cat would be responsible of me.
To be frank, I don't know much about me right now. (hence Meyer Briggs.)
Youngest brother asked me what I do in my spare time, of which I do not have much to spare (joke). Upon consideration, I realize that I occupy myself with asian variety television, anime, manga, and fanfiction. To this he replied, "so nothing has changed since you were 13"
...
This is the truth - mostly due to my fears of regret, the unknown, and rejection. Within the cornucopia that houses all of my fears and insecurities. Also, I don't have many friends to see or places to go to here in East Texas. I'm scared about my future (which I should be planning for now). Everything is leading me back to where I was one year ago - paralyzed about my actions that determine my future. Except now, everybody in my school knows who I am and what my "expectations" are of myself.
"Expectations" here mean the stuff that I tell people in public so that they no longer ask me more about "what I want to accomplish in the future".
Please I am barely an adult capable of independent thought. I don't have the answers to your questions; I don't even have answers to my own questions.
Anyways, before I shit myself with panic (which I almost did irl two nights ago. Graphic details withheld for the more sensitive. and sensible), let's get into the Meyer Briggs results.
In the past, I was a Molly Weasley-type (E/ISFJ). The past being 2-3 years ago. Now this has (barely) transitioned to INFJ. My emotional sensitivity and desire for OMNIPRESENT HONESTY have not changed. But, my empathy (which I feel used to be strong that it crippled me) has now been led in the direction of OMNIPRESENT IDEALISM. Which I believe to be the result of (a) getting more and more into research and (b) years of appreciating socialism. Actual socialism. You know, like equality.
The two descriptions that (still) ring the most true for me are that I desire 100% realness from my friends and that I am highly vulnerable to criticism and conflict. (If I could gather all of the embarrassing and humiliating tears I have shed at places of work and study, Dubai could have an infinite source of saltwater to purify forever.)
The newer description is that I am a very private person (very true as of late).
For my own future reference,
https://www.16personalities.com/infj-personality
https://www.16personalities.com/profiles/572e9dd33c25d
Also in major news that impact my life: Jasmine and Yoda. But I'm not going into that cuz my stress-sensitive gut is going to explode.
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