(LOOK I'M IN A BETTER MOOD. IN FACT I WAS REALLY GIDDY LAST NIGHT AND COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP - jk that was yesterday. I am now a hormonal mass of mess. I was crying from watching Man vs. Food and Cupcake Wars. Yeah, shutup.)
Just like any other semi-exclusive group, Da Group has a group text (massive spammage, all quantity, little quantity, minimal drama - cuz u no how we dooo). For Thanksgiving break last year, even though we were all headed back to the same little piece of surburbia we call home, due to classes and ride availability and such, we were all in separate vehicles at different times. Besides sleeping and watching the person next to you sleep, there's nothing better than to text everyone and ruin their naps! And so begins the purely-from-my-memory-not-directly-from-the-group-text-because-I-don't-have-that-patience-with-all-of-that-scrolling-upward-shit, sooped up Episode XXI: Friendly Hostage Situation...
Setting: Roomie, The Whine, and myself are on the same bus. The two of them are asleep. Everyone else is on a separate vehicle. Group text format.
Me: Roomie and Whine are both dead asleep. ENTERTAIN ME.
Old Man: What did you do to them?
Me: Wouldn't you like to know? Bring me Sarah Connor and you can have the two of them.
Old Man: Never! Hmm, you can keep Whine.
Animated: Wait - can we leave Roomie with her? Won't Roomie's Boyfriend be rather unhappy with us with we leave her dead with J?
Me: Ha! That's right - what are you willing to do to bring them back?
Old Man: We will never negotiate with terrorists!
Me: Your loss...
-At this point, the Whine has groggily gotten up. I steal his phone to further the semi-dramatic, wholly awesome conversation-
Whine (acted by me, for I am the TRUE PUPPETMASTER): save me. still alive
Animated: WHINE!
Blank: What if this is just a trick by J?
Genteel Giant: How do we know if Whine is alive or not? We gotta send someone in to scope it out.
J: Impossible, you do not and will never know his exact location. All you need to know is that he and Roomie are being kept barely alive.
Blank: What if he's dead and she's just telling us this?
Old Man: Perhaps he is both dead and alive.
Blank: SCHRODINGER'S WHINE???
Animated: We need reinforcements
Me: For everyone of me you take down, there will be hundreds of Chihuahua, Younger Teenage Brothers, and Even Younger Kid Brothers to take my place.
Old Man: What's the Teenage Brother gonna do?
Me: He knows a lot of little Asian tweenage girls...?
Animated: Watch out, he's going to #tweenangst us to death!
Genteel Giant: Time to bring in our commander - Easily Offensive. Only she can bring down J.
Me: HAHAHA - don't you know that the dynamic between us isn't stable, and at any moment the tables of who fears who can change?
Animated: LIES - Easily Offensive is afraid of no one and nothing.
Me: That's what you think...
Easily Offensive: some-garble-that-was-the-text-version-of-'whaaaaaaa?'
Old Man: Let us not be swayed by her poisoned words. J, we see your unwillingness to cooperate. This can only mean one thing. War.
Me: Well, that can be easily arranged. When and where, Old Man?
Old Man: In two days' time. At LocalPark.
Animated: What if she catapults small, vicious Chihuahuas at us?
Me: Decide carefully, gentlemen. This may be your last time to back out before you do something you regret.
TBC...
-End Scene-
I feel like this may have been one of our greatest hits. (Highest ratings...from me).
Just like any other semi-exclusive group, Da Group has a group text (massive spammage, all quantity, little quantity, minimal drama - cuz u no how we dooo). For Thanksgiving break last year, even though we were all headed back to the same little piece of surburbia we call home, due to classes and ride availability and such, we were all in separate vehicles at different times. Besides sleeping and watching the person next to you sleep, there's nothing better than to text everyone and ruin their naps! And so begins the purely-from-my-memory-not-directly-from-the-group-text-because-I-don't-have-that-patience-with-all-of-that-scrolling-upward-shit, sooped up Episode XXI: Friendly Hostage Situation...
Setting: Roomie, The Whine, and myself are on the same bus. The two of them are asleep. Everyone else is on a separate vehicle. Group text format.
Me: Roomie and Whine are both dead asleep. ENTERTAIN ME.
Old Man: What did you do to them?
Me: Wouldn't you like to know? Bring me Sarah Connor and you can have the two of them.
Old Man: Never! Hmm, you can keep Whine.
Animated: Wait - can we leave Roomie with her? Won't Roomie's Boyfriend be rather unhappy with us with we leave her dead with J?
Me: Ha! That's right - what are you willing to do to bring them back?
Old Man: We will never negotiate with terrorists!
Me: Your loss...
-At this point, the Whine has groggily gotten up. I steal his phone to further the semi-dramatic, wholly awesome conversation-
Whine (acted by me, for I am the TRUE PUPPETMASTER): save me. still alive
Animated: WHINE!
Blank: What if this is just a trick by J?
Genteel Giant: How do we know if Whine is alive or not? We gotta send someone in to scope it out.
J: Impossible, you do not and will never know his exact location. All you need to know is that he and Roomie are being kept barely alive.
Blank: What if he's dead and she's just telling us this?
Old Man: Perhaps he is both dead and alive.
Blank: SCHRODINGER'S WHINE???
Animated: We need reinforcements
Me: For everyone of me you take down, there will be hundreds of Chihuahua, Younger Teenage Brothers, and Even Younger Kid Brothers to take my place.
Old Man: What's the Teenage Brother gonna do?
Me: He knows a lot of little Asian tweenage girls...?
Animated: Watch out, he's going to #tweenangst us to death!
Genteel Giant: Time to bring in our commander - Easily Offensive. Only she can bring down J.
Me: HAHAHA - don't you know that the dynamic between us isn't stable, and at any moment the tables of who fears who can change?
Animated: LIES - Easily Offensive is afraid of no one and nothing.
Me: That's what you think...
Easily Offensive: some-garble-that-was-the-text-version-of-'whaaaaaaa?'
Old Man: Let us not be swayed by her poisoned words. J, we see your unwillingness to cooperate. This can only mean one thing. War.
Me: Well, that can be easily arranged. When and where, Old Man?
Old Man: In two days' time. At LocalPark.
Animated: What if she catapults small, vicious Chihuahuas at us?
Me: Decide carefully, gentlemen. This may be your last time to back out before you do something you regret.
TBC...
-End Scene-
I feel like this may have been one of our greatest hits. (Highest ratings...from me).
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